in relation to...

I am not very happy when my salary does not compare well with that of my mates.

As I recall now.. I never could have compared myself to my mates back in middle school days.. I was never confident of comparing my self to them. Mediocrity is a great way to be. Remaining unnoticed is best way to save yourself from the outside world. Create your own worlds and u end a lot of uncertainties and fears. Fantasies are best companion then.. They become the stories, the achievements, the roller coaster rides as well as the unearned toys.

However, one day I started getting confident about myself when somebody compared me to my classmates and said I was brilliant. I recently had my first shave and it was (as in the background I come from) high time to start earning. High time to be brilliant I guess.. As there was no way else I could have thought about earning my living. My father wanted me to be more successful as compared to him and I could only achieve that with my books.

And suddenly I was riding the wave of adrenaline. It dint take any time to guess that doing better in studies was no big deal. It just sought time.. Which I could squeeze from my fantasies. I wonder if anyone would have felt the same.. Its like what Alice might have felt being back from wonderland.. But it was no bad shock. Reality does not pinch as long as u wanna fight.. u wanna achieve and u wanna enjoy. That's being confident with all 'tashan'.

For those who have not experienced it.. Only one feeling beats the feeling of 'feeling confident as if never been' and that is 'feeling thinner (as if never been)'... ;)

And u would guess.. I was experiencing both. As if all pockets filled with berries back in child hood days.

This 'comparison' thing was working wonders for me.. when it was my game.

However, when it is not... The life is hell. Success doesn't bring happiness if not shared. And a competitor at heart can never share. What an irony... for the biggest motivation for success comes from threats from ur competitors.

I know how to beat the vicious circle. But the problem is that I just know. I am not skilled enough to practice yet.

God bless me!

What are they thinking about me?

Aha.. I phoned a colleague yesterday.. He said they speak highly about me. Dint the God say the same when he was in my reclusive home. I am still afraid of what he thinks about me. Especially when i was repulsive to his feed back.

But I took it eventually, dint I.

Fear has always been at the back; with no idea what they think about me. I was almost in tears after the tiring journey which seemed quite unfruitful. But (WAO) they thought I was fit to be in the (REPUTED) league. HOWZZAT.. But why?

Shouldn't I know why? With no tangible achievements (At least I feel so) why should I be valued basis the paths I took with no regard to results I produced. Hey! I got the answer.. Isn't attitude more important than achievement. I believe it, don't I. May be I got the answer. But then..

Its just a presumption. No body told me what they think about me.. What if they stop thinking the way they think.. say from today.. may be they already have.. I dont know.. I dont know a damn shit...
regret the words..

And.. the question remains.. what do they think about me.. Am I wanting to look Good.. "TRYING TO LOOK GOOD, AVOIDING LOOKING BAD". That's my trap isn't it.

Can some body please tell me.. Are you afraid to tell something to me?

What do I do?

Whom will you listen to?
Your heart...... or your head...
More so, when u have been applying your head to make to other people's hearts.
On a grim moment.. when your heart sinks.. and all you want is to bury down.. or growl at someone else... Can u still listen to your head?

If u don't all your actions just bring the results u never wanna see..
If u do.. u feel suffocated..

What do u do?

Don't emotions have value in life?
Or they need to be repected only when they are on the positive side.

To confess, i have not been this confused since long.
And, possibly the period wont last long..

But, what remain on this post will be the side of my being which i would always love not to be.


May god bless the emotional souls.. for, they don't know that the world is not theirs.

Life will never be the same !

I feel new...
Like someone, I have never been before!

I know, that happened because of him.
I have been mulling a lot after the meet. It was very painful that day. And I nearly had a heartache afterwards. I was ashamed of myself in the beginning, but then I understood later that I was not to be blamed for what happened.

And now, when I look back, it seems that the time I spent in his room and that I spent thinking about it, brought lot of learning about life, about joys and sorrows.

Now I know, that the next time it happens, it wont be as painful to handle. It is going to be part of life now, and experiencing it gives lot of maturity to your inner self.

I am pushed from within to intimidate him. This arrogance also has a flavour of freedom and that of fearlessness now.

But, I am very optimistic about my future, unlike others I know... who still feel it was a disaster for them. I find myself able to look at those facets of life now, something which i could never do before.

I just got bashed by my boss... what did u think?

Woh kaun thi?

I was tired. Though had walked only a couple of kilometers till then... I was panting like a fool. Had reached near CST when I decided to have something before I got into the station. My eye balls which were swinging in search of some life saving junk food got stuck at the site of a hawker selling boiled eggs. Before my taste budds could realize, i had gulped down two of them and was searching for some change in my wallet to pay the young seller.

With used paper plate in my hand, my eyes balls played again and now got glued to someone over the dustbin. Acrimoniously i looked at her. She must be 6, with long hair, but too shabby to even stare at, religiously searching for something in the bin. I seldom show generosity to give alms, and get irritated when approached by kids begging across the wind shield of my second hand car. This to me has always been conspiracy of their parents to push them into such business even when they were resourceful enough to feed them atleast.I was a bit hesitant in using the bin which seemed to be her property. But, then showed some courage and aimed the projectile of crumped paper into the bin missing the lady by an inch.

Yes.. the other hand was still in the pocket, searching frantically for change now, as i had only a 500 rupee note in my wallet.

'Accidentally', I happened to look again at the dust bin. Only then, It seemed the world had come to a stand still. My pulse went throbbing high, and my eyes were stuck again. Someone was licking the garbage madly. And, I could recognize in her hand the crump I had just thrown.
Oh God ! This 'normal incident' was sending me shivers. I was completely at loss to know the reason for this wave of mercy within me. Suddenly, the girl looked as if a neighbourhood kid. I couldn't stand it any further. I ordered a burger to another hawker on my left. He accepted the 500 ruppe note and gave me the balance in change too. I looked all around again. It was the same place i visit every evening. But, something seemed to be different today. I felt pain watching so many people gulping down junk at one or the other stall. But, none noticed the child. I have been one among them always.. but something was different this time.

Shyly, I handed over the parcel to the kid. I couldn't look at her eyes. I dint look at her at all. However, I suppose she was little interested in my stare. She took the stuff and immediately ran off. I felt good. For the first time in my life I had this feeling. And, its cost was Rs 10/- only.

Utility can be derived from giving also, and to know this i found myself fortunate.

Haqikat & Past Tense

Haqikat

No one expects us to be the way we really are !

People searching for shining pearls beneath the sea. No matter how pure the water is... relentlesslessly fighting the creatures.. both of deep waters and inhabitants of soils.

May be people like to be astonished only by the shine. May be thats the reason flowing water commands more attention than lakes..

Jo Dikhta hai woh bikta hai..


Past Tense

My achievements make me afraid.

They say your past guides you to your future. You take clues from your past for ur decisions. I learnt one thing. You can get whatever you aspire for.. Only thing what matters, is your level of determination. If so.. I am a bit scared...

What if i am not able to carve out or rather crave for right goals ?

what if they are mediocre or over ambitious ?

What if personal ones don't dovetail with professional goals?

What if.....

Kismat

Is it right time to think about it...

Its 5:30 in the evening, and i m not through even half of my day's assignment.
But something within is forcing me to think about it.

I know 'Kismat' is more that a measure of ur happiness. But some how it hovers around that.
And then, how u define happiness.

For me its absence of sad thoughts or bad outcomes.
But then, why to be happy for absence of something.

Life seldom moves forward, its more like a see-saw.
The more u expect, lesser happy you are. And, vice versa.

Neither do we stop expecting, nor does our level of expectation from life remain constant.
Nothing is static it seems.

so i got an equation

happiness (is inversely proportional to) expectation

And,

expectation is more like a see-saw.
so

{Kismat = Happiness} (Inversely proportional to) { expectation = see-saw}.

Well, that is true too....
No body can claim to be more 'kismatwala'.
Whatever be ur colour, creed or Pocket depth..
U cannot claim to be more happy then any one else.
If u do, u also have ur share of misery.
Isn' it ?

More or less..
If u r on extremes then joy and misery both arrive with full jolt.
Well, that completely depends on ur psyche...
On, how overwhelmed u feel.

And, if u try remain indifferent to situations..
Life becomes a see-saw that wants to be parallel to the ground beneth.
(i hope u go that)
Some even call such people as dull and boring... and some mature..
well thats' ones way of loking at it.
Lesser happiness.. and lesser sorrows.



Well..
I got my sandwich

sorry for boring u..

Bye

SK